Questions about CalmFamily's approach
Our classes are based on years of research, by many different specialists, and even more collective years of working with families to calmly support them through pregnancy, birth, the early days and months with a baby, and throughout the rest of childhood.
All of our consultants have extensive experience around parenting, supporting children, and/or caring for children in a professional capacity. We all share a realistic view and a completely judgement-free attitude.
We support, we listen, we build confidence, and we provide information and frameworks to guide parents through making their own plans.
We absolutely do not suggest prescriptive ways for raising children. We present unbiased, evidence-based information that is up to date. Our highly trained consultants focus on supporting parents to become confident in their role and to recognise that they are the expert.
We aren’t aware of any other organisation in the world offering what we do.
CalmFamily sessions are structured around ensuring that we meet the needs of our clients. When parents come to a workshop or course, they often feel that they are struggling or have a problem, and it is important that we hear that, and recognise the issue, and the impact it is having on the parents. Parents need a chance to freely express how they feel, and to be listened to. Parents’ feelings are often dismissed, they are told they are overreacting, or that everything is normal and fine. Everything they are experiencing may indeed be normal, but that’s not what parents are saying, they are saying “this is hard, I can’t do this, I’m struggling, I need help, I need to make a change because this is too much.” Sometimes parents tell us that the thing that made the most difference was having someone really listen, and validate their struggle and their emotions.
Through listening we help parents reflect on what is going on in their situation, and what about the situation is truly problematic. We offer information to help parents understand the particular area, such as sleep, developmental norms and psychology for the age of their child. From this position of deeper understanding we consider how ‘the usual’ solutions aim to tackle this, whether they will work, based on how they relate to our understanding of the issue, and any pros and cons they have. We then work through the relevant CalmFamily frameworks to look at ways to meet the needs of both the parents and the baby/toddler/child in the situation, asking parents to think holistically about their life, rather than focussing on the half hour before bedtime to improve sleep, or the management of tantrums in order to change toddler behaviour.
This means solutions tend to be evidence based, targeting the problem they are actually experiencing, and targeted to fit the life and needs of the family concerned. On the whole this tend to make them much more effective!
The original concept of the BabyCalm and ToddlerCalm programmes were accompanied by two books of the same name. It has been many years since their release and we have updated and expanded the programmes since then, and have even written a new programme for pregnancy and birth.
You do not need to read the books to benefit from our sessions. We provide all the information you need in our classes and they are fully up-to-date. We also back up your sessions with handouts and photos of the group ideas you developed to take home. Our consultants offer follow-up support by email and online, or through bespoke consultations for parent who need more individualised support outside of a group setting.
Having said all that, the books are great so if you fancy reading them then please feel free.
If you have read the book, don’t worry you will still get so much from our sessions. It’s the difference between being inspired by a concept and having support to put it into practice in your own life.
If you liked the book, you’ll love the opportunity to discuss the information with one of our consultants and with other parents, get updated information, enjoy interactive activities to help you draw your own conclusions and apply our frameworks to make your own plans.
Our approach is backed up by scientific and psychological research. We gather and act on feedback from clients and are always collating data to show our outcomes for parents.
The answer to this question depends on what you mean by “working”. Will your baby or toddler turn into a perfectly behaved, completely calm all the time human who sleeps 12 hours straight and eats every food in the world and brings you drinks and rubs your feet? Probably not.
Will they cry, whinge, tantrum less and sleep and eat a bit more or differently, probably. The only thing we can almost guarantee is that you will feel a lot calmer and more confident in your own personal approach with your family. We have an impressive list of happy parents so far. If you want to help by providing feedback then you can send it to us on our contact page.
The CalmFamily approach is based on supporting all people to have calmer relationships. Our page “Our approach” contains more information.
Our approach to education involves sharing evidence based information, with parents, in an accessible way, and supporting parents to recognise how this relates to their experience, and the difficulties they have identified. This can help parents to identify issues, and, with support, find ways to troubleshoot those issues. Their solutions, based in accurate understanding, are more likely to be effective, empathetic, and to balance the needs of the child/children, and the parents. This helps parents to establish calmer relationships, based on equality and respect, and from a perspective of everyone involved having well met needs.
We share information about child development and behaviour, feeding, sleep, birth, play, and adult human needs, as well as many other relevant topics. This enables parents to make their own choices. Parents have the information, and understand how different techniques may work, and can identify the shortcomings of potential solutions. Parents are empowered, not reliant.
We are not parenting experts, we don’t think that is a thing. We are knowledgable and experienced for sure, but the only experts we know of are individual parents who are experts in their own children and family situation. We simply try to facilitate parents gaining even more expertise in parenting their own children.
This is a bit of a trick question. Whilst we work with, and base what we do on leading specialists in research, when we talk about experts at CalmFamily we are talking about the parents that we support.
We think that the trend of making parents reliant on parenting experts is damaging and dangerous. Why? Because we are not you, our needs are not your needs. You, your situation and your child are unique. You, the parent, are the person best placed to understand what is going on and apply evidence based information to your own life.
Our consultants are knowledgeable, empathetic, skilled in supporting parents to troubleshoot their own situation, and helping them to recognise underlying issues. However, this does not make them ‘experts’ to be put on a pedestal. It makes them hugely valuable sources of support for families to improve their situation, and learn how to manage situations that arise in the future too.
We do not refer to our consultants as parenting experts. Experts are often looked to to manage situations for people who are less equipped to do so. This might be very important when we are talking about medical care, logistics, or writing legal contracts.
However, when we are talking about families the only experts are the parents. When parents are treated like the expert, and have some accurate information about human needs, physiological and psychological development and human behaviour they become able to apply their understanding to their own situation. They can embrace their understanding, and realise how many areas of their life, they can change or improve, and make these improvements in ways that fit their unique family needs, life and dynamic.
CalmFamily consultants are hugely knowledgable about child development, human needs, psychology, behaviour, sleep, and more. They are trained to listen to parents, support them to reflect on problem areas in their life, recognise their needs and those of their children. CalmFamily consultants are skilled in supporting parents to recognise how changes to their situation might ensure that everyone’s needs were better met, and support parents to consider ways that they might meet those needs. They will not push solutions, but will provide parents with the tools to evaluate possible approaches, and find ways to tailor common solutions to their unique circumstances, or to come up with wholly different approaches. There is no one size fits all approach.
We don’t do different types of parenting. We feel that categorising parenting into types is confusing, and divisive. It separates parents into groups, and sets them up to feel like they have failed.
Instead, we keep it simple. We encourage parents to understand the best evidence about how humans develop and how what we do as parents impacts that. We encourage parents to choose what works for them to balance the development of their child, everyone’s needs right now, and their future family relationships.
We created our calmer relationships concept to explain the characteristics of positive relationships (all relationships, not just parent child). We believe that calmer relationships will improve the lives of families and create a better future for the whole of society.
Collaborate for solutions – in relationships we work together with the other person to find solutions; problem solving, and maintaining connection through reciprocity and restoration. Rupture and repair is necessary.
Accept what is – we accept the person in front of us as they are, accept ourselves as we are in the moment and accept the situation, even if we want to move forward.
Learn and grow together – whilst we sit in acceptance, we strive to continue learning in pursuit of growth and ultimately excellence (not perfection).
Meet and balance needs – we consciously balance our needs and goals with those of the other person and between a short-term and long-term focus; striving to balance our choices and meet their needs without sacrificing our own.
Empathise always – we seek to deeply understand and hold space for the other person’s unique perspective, stage of development, support needs, feelings, reactions and thought processes. We may not be capable of empathy in the moment, but it is always possible in time.
Respond with compassion – we seek to respond rather than react, using compassion as our driving force in our interactions and for ourselves when we act in a way that creates a need for restoration and repair.
Yes! Parents often come to us because they have tried strict authoritarian methods, or because they don’t want to try these things, and want to hear about something different.
With a CalmFamily consultant you will look at these strict, traditional, or authoritarian parenting methods, but from an evidence-based and scientific point of view. We will review their use in different circumstances, and understand the pros and cons each method may have for you, so that you can always make your own choices.
However, these aren’t the focus of our sessions. The frameworks that we offer are based on a psychological understanding of children and how they develop best, and of the needs of parents. They promote calmer and more equal relationships.
Absolutely not! We don’t think either end of the authority spectrum is helpful.
Many parents understand that being too harsh with children can be harmful, but it is important to understand that being permissive in a parenting relationship (or any relationship) is just as harmful. We will help you to understand how to set limits and boundaries appropriately and how to hold firm with love and compassion.
Our approach is backed up by scientific and psychological research. We gather and act on feedback from clients and are always collating data to show our outcomes for parents.
The answer to this question depends on what you mean by “working”. Will your baby or toddler turn into a perfectly behaved, completely calm all the time human who sleeps 12 hours straight and eats every food in the world and brings you drinks and rubs your feet? Probably not.
Will they cry, whinge, tantrum less and sleep and eat a bit more or differently, probably. The only thing we can almost guarantee is that you will feel a lot calmer and more confident in your own personal approach with your family. We have an impressive list of happy parents so far. If you want to help by providing feedback then you can send it to us on our contact page.
Well, the million dollar question. If getting more sleep is your aim then we will help you find ways to improve your sleep. How you might achieve that can vary. It may be by helping you recognise causes of night waking, and helping you find ways to reduce the frequency of night disturbances. Or you might be supported to reducing the duration of night wakings by helping you find ways to support everyone to remain calm so you all resettle easily. Or you might make any number of other changes to life that can increase or improve the sleep you get as a parent.
Many techniques or common solutions can work well for neurotypical parents and children, but they often rely on behaviours, or social and psychological norms that are alien to many neurodivergent humans. Our approach is different. It looks at each individual, and their needs. It recognises that different people have difference needs in different areas of life, and it seeks to help parents reconcile areas when their needs, and those of their children are clashing.
Neurodivergent people often have more extreme needs in certain areas, that may be for predictability, control, recognition or connection. This can mean that what would seem like a small change to many people can be hugely disregulating to a neurodivergent person. The individualised human needs based approach is actually hugely helpful for working with neurodivergent people. Rather than trying to encourage conformity to social norms our attempt to meet and balance human needs based on the goals of the people involved positively benefits neurodivergent people, including autistic people, those with ADHD, OCD and many other diverse neurotypes.